Is This For Real?

My friend Zeenat sends me weird funnies, and today I got another gem from her. This is what it said:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely In our jobs.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, And then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never Let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.


Below is taken from Qantas maintenance logs for 2006.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.




P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: A loose nut behind the steering column.
S: But they still let them fly Aeroplanes.


And the best one for last...


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Made me HOWL!!!

My friend Zeenat sits at her computer somewhere in Hong Kong (or is it Qatar?) and sends out compilations of the weirdest stuff you could ever hope to read.

Here's what I found in my inbox today, and it's a good thing I'd already finished drinking my tea, coz otherwise I could've easily choked, or suffered severe tea-burns.

Thank you, Zeenat :)


English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.



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Signs and Notices:

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.

"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.

"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.

"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.

"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.

"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.

"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.

"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.

"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.

"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.

"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.

"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.

"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.

"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.

"Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.

"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

"Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.

"This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.

"Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.

To everyone of the use, Laundromat.
Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.
1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.
2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.
3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.
4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.
5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.
6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.
-- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo.

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.

"Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.

"Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.

"Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.

"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator.

"Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China.

"Figure Out Fare Office" -- A sign on a small wooden house at a bus station in Laos.

"Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop.

"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop.

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby.

"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong.

"It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest.

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens.

"Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map.

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel.

"Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.

"Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency.

"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office.

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.

"Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo.

"For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket.

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel.

"Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant.

"WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States.

"Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany.

"Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany.

"Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan.

"Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan.

"Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn.

"You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment.

So you wanna be a parent?

My friend sent me this for wannabe Mommies and Daddies:

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,

permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends

and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None..
Your job is to remain in the same position for years,

without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities

for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Laugh - but it's mostly true!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.

Hungry Fish

Sooo cute - the litlle BabyBubble went crazy when I showed her!

Click on the 'water' and watch them gobble up their 'food'!